I WUN DA WINTER TO STAY FOH-EH VERR

SO SHOOT ME PATCH HIGH SCHOOL!  IT'S SNOWING AND I'M HAPPY!

Man, it's so funny, my friend is moving to Australia in 9 days.  XDD

ARE YOU SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW?!  HELL NO I WOULDN'T KEEP IT TO MYSELF!  PFFT!  AND I HOPE THAT NO ONE ELSE WOULD!  MAN!

*ahem*

Well that's easy, and I'm pretty sure everyone that has me on here knows what my answer'll be. 

I didn't really love anyone (in a romantic way) until Jesse.  I mean, I had flings and stuff, but it wasn't until he came along that I decided that I couldn't be with anyone else because not only would I be lying to myself, but it would be unfair to the person I was with, because... it's either Jesse or no one.

Oh my goodness.  Cell phones.  I can't STAND it when 1) people talk on phones in public and 2) when people go up to order something and they're on their phone.  They could at least hang up or put them on hold for a few seconds while you're doing your business.  Sheesh.

Ahaha, I met Carl Edwards a couple times.  If you don't know who he is he was (and probably still is) one of the number one racers in NASCAR.  His crew chief for the Busch series was one of my dad's friends from when he was younger (they guy's dad owned a bike shop and my dad used to be an avid bike rider), and so we got to go to the Rockingham race track (it's been closed down for some time now) where they were doing some testing.  It was pretty neat, we got to watch him run around the track while it was empty.  Not only that, but we go to hang around the inside of his trailer during one of the races.  He was in first place the entire race until THE LAST LAP and then he crashed.  It really sucked because I would've been able to go to victory lane.  *sigh*  It was still a pretty awesome experience, though.

Dude, Katryna once told me that some guest pastor at her church called her Katwinur, so then I started calling her Katwinur, and then she came up with a matching nickname for me, a cross between Banira and Katwinur... Baaninur.  Not sure where the double "a"s came from, but... Baninur just doesn't look as complete...  Anyways, then Katryna said I needed to make an LJ and that was the name she suggested. 

Oh, Katryna, was I the first person to start calling you Katwinur, because I notice other people call you that as well.

Okay, assuming you (whoever you are) read my last journal entry, things are getting a lot better.

1.  Zank:  I still have 12 cards to do, and I think if I work really hard tonight I'll be able to get 'em finished.

2.  My three insignificant crushes are:
     a.  Some guy that reminds me of Jesse that has pretty eyes: codename, Mayonnaise
     b.  A guy that reminds me of Sam that's in my Seminar:  codename, Clam
     c.  Wait... there's not really a third... there was... but I don't count him anymore

3.  My grades:  I have a C+ in Algebra II now, which isn't satisfactory for me, but I'll continue working on it.  I now have a D+ in Zank, which is better, and my other grades I will continue to work at pulling up.  I don't care much if I make NHS anymore, so whatever.

4.  Loneliness is the last thing I'm worried about right now.  I've got too much else to deal with.

5.  I've started working out, whether it be jogging, going to the gym, or going on a walk (and not just a leisurely walk, but around behind Patch and it's really hilly and woodsy and muddy and there's a lake and it's nice but my parents won't let me go there by myself because they're afraid I'll get sacked and raped in broad daylight even though it's very well traversed).  Aaaand I've kinda been working on my eating habits.  I did scarf down somewhere around 5 oatmeal cookies last night (they're my one weakness), so in that sense I need to try a tad harder, but I haven't been drinking soda, and I've been trying not to eat the blatantly unhealthy stuff.

Okay.  So, things are starting to get a little better.  I haven't talked to Jesse in a while (well, since Thursday), and I haven't been e-mailing any of my friends or getting on any of those social networking sites.  Nurr.  I've been WAY too busy this weekend (and last week, for that matter).  It really is true that the more you DO to solve your problems, the smaller the problems that you can't control seem.  Sure, I'm lonerly and my boyfriend's moving back to the states, but JEEZ I have other things to worry about.

We'll see how this goes.  Pray foh meh <3

Well, I have a few things I'd like to write about in here, and many of them will just be me complaining because I have a lot going on in my life right now.  I think I'll start with a list and then elaborate on it as I go.

1.  I have 20 new Zank cards due on Monday, and I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't wanna spend all weekend doing them like I did last weekend.  I haven't been BORED for a really long time, but for some reason as soon as I finished all my cards last Saturday and then finished copying the ones I'd written on notebook paper on Sunday, I had nothing left to do.  It was like the Zank project was my life and once it was finished I then lacked a purpose.  I walked around the house and I was like, "Dude, what did I do last weekend?  Dad wasn't even here last weekend and we never do stuff when dad's not here..."

2.  I have three insignificant crushes...

3.  HOLY SHIT, I JUST CHECKED MY GRADES AND I HAVE A D IN MR. TINGEY'S CLASS AND I DON'T KNOW WHY, AND I HAVE ALMOST ALL B'S, AND A D IN ZANK!  I THINK I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF NOW!

4.  I've been so lonely lately.  I was telling Jesse the other day that I don't have any typical teenage memories to look back on.  Stuff like just goofing off with people and doing random stuff that doesn't make sense or just joking around with kids your age...  I don't have any of that...  And last night I stayed a little bit later at Jr. Girls because I was so lonely, and I went home and mom bitched at me because I was late and she said "You expect me to believe you were with April and Grace" when I WAS, and I've NEVER done ANYTHING to even remotely INDICATE that I would do something like that!  I've never snuck out of the house before!  I mean, the only sneaking around that I've really done I've done right and they still don't KNOW.

5.  I'm really getting sick and tired of my weight.  I eat because I'm depressed, and I'm depressed because I eat.  IT'S A VICIOUS CYCLE!  I need to just get up in the morning and go jogging because maybe if I do that I'll be able to tackle my self-destructive WILL in other areas!

Dude.  I'm going to kill myself.  I'm so done with my life.  It seems like every facet of it is falling off.  Really.  My grades are starting to suck, I'm almost certainly not getting into NHS now because my teachers probably won't recommend me, Jesse's LEAVING me, I have no good friends for the first time in my goddamn life, and I've got this ZANK project to do and I just want it to f'ing END because it's EATING ME UP like EVERYTHING ELSE.  GAH!  I've gotta do something about all this!

AAAAH, OKAY, THAT'S IT, I'M GETTING OFF LJ SO I CAN GO GET MY CHEMISTRY FOLDER BECAUSE I'M GONNA DO MY CHEMISTRY HOMEWORK AND DO IT RIGHT BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO SUCK AT LIFE ANYMORE!  FUCKMUFFIN!

HAHAHAHA!  Oh my gosh, they made a WORD for that?!  Well, I for one know that I'm not afraid of Friday the 13th... and I'm not sure if I can name names when it comes to people that are.  I'm sure I see them every day, but I don't know specifics.  I haven't ever really been supersticious... I don't even think about it, much less worry about it.  I do find it funny that Friday the 13th fell on the day before Valentine's day this year, though. XD

I was looking at this site with a whole bunch of different quotes, and I found some of these... I'm bored, people, three hours of Hickman...

"You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation."
Unfortunately, very true.

"You may only be one person to the world, but you may also be the world to one person."
AAAAwwwwww (cheesy, I know)

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
Well there ya go

"Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come."
Hmmmm... something to roll around in your head

"A drowning man is not troubled by rain."
*sniff*

"A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal."
Well?  Isn't that true?

An ass in Germany is a professor in Rome.
Ha... ha... ha...

Ooookay, now that we're past all the Jesse drama

GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY?!

I got these brand new pants over the weekend, and I wore them for the first time today.  They're all tight and purple, and they match my new hoodie, and my Japan shirt that's all colorful and grey (uuuh...) aaaaaand

I slipped my first step crossing Husky field while walking to school this morning.

What the hell.  Seriously.

MY FIRST STEP, in my BRAND NEW PANTS.

So, I was all muddy... and my butt is still wet!  WTF

brand...

new...

purple...

pants...

*grunt*

BUUUT, besides that, today's my chill day at school.  I had Gingles for History this morning, and all we did was watch a movie during which I nearly fell asleep (although it was interesting, I got about 6 hours of sleep last night after singing with my brother, getting ready for bed, and listening to my new lullaby, Dis)

I love that CD.  So much.  It's horrible and beautiful and shocking and calming at the same time...

And Dis is, by far, the best song on the CD

I'M TOTALLY GO'H SEND IT TO YOU, 'TRYNA!  YOU BET ON IT!

You would like it, you macabre girl, you.

Well... uuuuuuh...

I would like to begin this entry by apologizing to Katryna.  I'm sorry I haven't e-mailed you at all in a century and a day, but I've been very preoccupied with life as of late.  Man.  All this crap has been going on... and I haven't been able to make heads or tails of it until recently... 

I've told Jesse twice now that "I never wanna talk to/ see you again", and then went back on that now twice... or maybe more, I'm not sure.  It's all running together.

I'd just like to type all this out because I have three hours of computer class due to our extended periods for midterms.  Looooaaaaads of fun *nawt*.

This all started about three or so weeks ago on new year's eve (a Thursday) when Jesse first started talking to a girl named Jessica...

They hit it off really well.  She was interested him, and he was interested in her.  Jesse like hanging out with her because he's attracted to the emo style, and she was "intriguing", and for the first time in a while, he was happy in Mannheim.  So, he told me about this Jessica girl, and at first I was completely opposed to the idea of them hanging out with each other,  but when he told me how she made him happy, I said, "Hey, whatever... as long as you guys don't actually do anything, I couldn't care less who you're hanging out with." 

But then, probably two or three days after that (I think it was the Sunday after New Years, and the last day after Christmas Break, actually) he said that he thought we should break up.  He explained that we were calling nothing something, and... uuuh I don't think I can adequately explain even to myself why he said what he said (or even what he said), so I'll move on after this point.

I cried for about two or three minutes (it was a short explosion... but I pulled myself up quickly because I needed to get over myself), and then I continued my nightly routine with a sense of deadness.  I took off my rubber bracelets (the orange one with 4+3=7 on it, and the red one with "1 John 4:19" and "Revolutionary Love" on it that he used to wear that he gave me for Christmas because I wanted something that he regularly wore for my present and nothing that he actually bought *breath* because I was tired of him blowing money on me *breath*), and put them in my glasses case on the top shelf of my medicine cabinet.  The rest of that week I hardly ate... I lost around 5 pounds... or more, and... I can't quite remember if we talked that week or not... I was just trying to figure out what I was gonna do next...

I think I called him... was it... that weekend?  No.  It was the 8th of that week... a Thursday, the Thursday after the weekend he broke up with me...  And... I came to the conclusion that we hadn't really changed at all...

And then the week after that... he told me that he was going to pursue a relationship with Jessica... I think this was the 13th,  because I wouldn't have talked to him on Tuesday... Thaaaat's right, because that's when I talked to Bob a little bit about it, and Robin couldn't come to Wednesday night Junior Girls...  So, after that Tuesday I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore... but...

*grunt*

I went back on that statement when he got on Messenger one day that week... and... we started talking on there again.  (It's hard to keep track of all this, which is why I'm documenting it... this is kind of just a typed-out thought process of mine).  But then... I actually think it was sometime during the weekend... *goesbacktoLJcalendar*  Yes... I think it was on Thursday or Friday.  And while we were talking, he told me that he was going to go to Jessica's house... and I freaked out again...

NO, it was on SATURDAY I think... because Meredith (the girl that I'm doing my Zank skit with) called me, and we talked, and talking to her about it helped me bring it down to earth, and it was then that I got up and sent Jesse a huge ranting e-mail about how much of a douche he was for doing this to Jessica and me...

I can't remember exactly when it was that I started actually talking to Jessica... but I'm pretty sure it was before I blew up the second time.  We started talking, and I really took a liking to her.  She cared more about helping Jesse and I be together than she did about herself and Jesse being together, because she said that she saw what we had was something real... and that she could see the pain in him when I told him I wasn't going to talk to him anymore...

She kept urging me to keep talking to him... because he knew the two of us were... wow, this sounds super cheesy but, "meant" for each other... 

I talked to her before I said I didn't want to speak with him anymore the FIRST and the SECOND time, I believe...

Gosh, I need to go home and make a timeline or something...

ALRIGHT

So, here comes the most recent update...

It was Saturday when I told Jesse I didn't want to talk to him anymore... but then on Sunday we started sending music back and forth on Messenger while Jessica and I talked on MySpace...

I said something to him... that was... malicious.  I don't want to say it on here... I'll just tell everyone in private, but I basically connoted that he didn't mean anything to me other than music...

And... his response to said comment made me realize how horrible it was of me to say that... and it made me realize that he really did still love me... even though it had been a little hard to believe before then.

While we were talking, I kept talking to Jessica... and I realized how much this thing is hurting her.  She told me that she knows how much Jesse and I care for each other, and she can't measure up to that... and as much as she wishes that she could, she'd rather things just be the way they're supposed to be, and she wants Jesse to be happy. 

Talking to her really put things into perspective. 

*sigh*

I feel horrible for her... I hate what Jesse did to her.  He hates it too... and...

Last night I talked to them more extensively.  Jesse called me, and I talked to Jessica on Messenger a couple times.  She told me that if he doesn't tell her to her face that he needs her, she's done with him...

But she told this to me, and not to Jesse, so I asked her if she wanted me to pass this information on to him, and she said I could... so I did...

His response, "I don't need her, I need you."

And as glad as I am that this is the truth... her pain is hurting me...

I know how much is sucks to be hurt by...

*sigh*

I'm just gonna be forthright here.  This feels the same as my relationship with Alex, only instead of me being the one that the person had a fling with... it's Jessica...

Alex broke up with me for Kaity, who just so happened to be both her ex girlfriend and her best friend (sound familiar?), and... it hurt.  I got over it, but it hurt...

Or maybe I made it hurt because I was upset.

At any rate, I know what it's like, and... I just wish I could take the ICE up to Mannheim and hug them both...

Oh, and post script: Jesse's moving to the states in 2 months.

That makes everything so much better, because now I can't move on because we're still the same, but I'll have to deal with being apart from him... and not even being able to talk to him on the phone because last time we did the long-distance call thing...

It wasn't pretty.

So, I'll conclude this journal entry now, because I just know you all are sick of my rantings about this whole Jesse thing.  You don't have to lie, I know...

One thing I don't quite agree with, though, is something my best friend said...

"That is the number one rule of being in a relationship, is to NOT bring up girls/guys in a conversation and then say you find them INTERESTING."

I would rather him be completely and totally honest with me and tell me everything than for him to supress what stuff he feels inside him.  Our relationship is... open, for lack of a better word.  I tell him everything I feel, and he tells me everything he feels.  I want everyone to understand that...

This situation may seem weird to everyone I'm talking to about it, but take my word for it...

We may not know what we're doing... but... we all love each other...

If anyone got screwed, it was Jessica.  Like she told me last night, she realized that she's just a "convenience" to Jesse... which is why I can't stand him for doing this to her (and he isn't to happy with himself, either).  We all make mistakes, so don't judge...

The Cleveland Torso Murders are pretty interesting.  It's quite amazing what someone can get away with... isn't it?  I suppose it would be harder to pull something like that off today, but... it's still fascinating. 

Dude...

I guess I'm writing this journal for Jesse more than anyone, but I also haven't talked to Katryna in a while, so this is for you too.

Jesse said that he's pursuing a relationship with this Jessica girl I may have mentioned before.  I'm gonna be straight up.  That makes me sick... he says she makes him happy (why she makes him so damn happy is beyond me, but that's beside the point).  I'm not gonna slam her on here, but from what I've gathered, he shouldn't even be associating himself with this girl.  And... she's the girl that's torn us apart.

When I say she's torn us apart, I mean that I don't plan to talk to Jesse anymore.

Ever.

As in... we no longer have any semblance of a future at all.  I wasn't planning on putting this on the Internet anywhere... but I just got a message from Jesse that says he's moving to GA in March...

Which means it's not like it's gonna be hard to never see him again.  By the time I graduate high school... we'll both have completely seperate lives.  I'm certainly not planning on going to Georgia anytime soon... and I'm also not planning on telling Jesse what I'm gonna do with my life (well, it will constantly change, and I'm not gonna waste my time e-mailing him and talking to him on Messenger anyways)

I made the resolution to cut him off as soon as we hung up the phone on Tuesday.  I don't want to see him again.  I need to cut him out of my life and this whole Jessica thing has just made it easier. 

Him and I were... close.  Closer than I've ever been with anyone.  We told each other everything.  Things I've never told anyone else I've told him.  We could talk about anything anytime.  He's the closest thing I've had to a best friend like what I had back in 6th and 7th grade.  Someone that I was just completely comfortable with... The "awkward stage" was never a factor.

So... I suppose I could say the only thing that split us is distance... but sadly, that's just as big of a deal as if he didn't meet my list.  Both problems mean that we can't have a relationship with each other.

And since the Jessica thing, I've lost all respect that I once had for him... it's sad... but my opinion of him is completely different.  The Jesse I think of now has all the negative qualities I saw in him before that bothered me... only now I see them as his dominant traits.

I'm not sad that it's over, in fact, I'm happy.  I can finally pull out of my depression and start living and caring about life the way I should.  I can finally start living now instead of when-I-graduate-and-get-a-job-and-get-married.  I don't even want to get married!  I don't want to have kids!  I wanna go to school to be a pilot or a flight attendant, learn a whole bunch of different languages, travel, and live all over the world!  And with Jesse I couldn't have done that... how could I have done that?  It wasn't feasible, and now it's more than feasible.  It's my reality.

And on another topic, there's this kid (I'm gonna change his name on the Internet) named Sam (haha, for old time's sake *nudgesKatryna*) that has been staring at me all year long.  It could be my imagination (which is known to create complicated explanations for simple issues), but I really don't think it is.  He could have a staring problem.  I mean... people can have those, right?  'sides, why would someone stare at me?  It's not like I'm this raging beauty or anything like that.  Jeez, I'm just the sardonic girl sitting in the back of the classroom that sneezes every time Mrs. MacKenzie bounces or comes up with a stupid song or tries to pretend to be perky.  And now guess what?  He sits smack dab in front of me.  Did you hear?  SMACK DAB.  So, he still has the staring problem... and if I just sit there and stare back, he won't avert his gaze, it's driving me insane and it's awkward!  Not only that, but he's Bob's ex boyfriend!  They just broke up a month ago!  So... all this year I've been noticing this kid staring at me... and... and... he was going out with my friend (Bob is a girl... her real name is Brittany)!  WTF?!  And I asked my friend about him, and she told me that he's basically the type that plays girls just for the hell of it.  And it's not like noticing him staring at me is a recent thing.  It's been going on for a while.  I've just been trying to ignore him, but it's next to impossible now that he sits in front of me (it couldn't have been next to me... no... it's right in front of me).

GREAT!

JUST GREAT!

Now I have to deal with this douche for the next God-knows-how-long on top of everything else! 

Geh.

So... maybe I'll just use this guy for a form of entertainment.  I honestly don't want to get into another relationship, and he's no exception (I wouldn't have wanted to get into a relationship with him even if Jesse and I never happened and if he wasn't the player type).  So, that may sound cruel, but it's no more cruel than what he's done to my friends (Bob included). 

Hehehehe.

So, that's my genius plan for now.  We'll see how this goes.

Dude, I guess I've finally figured it out.

So...

I'm not exactly sure what Jesse and I are... but... we're pretty much exactly the same as we were before. 

I called him and talked to him last night on the phone, and we just... talked. 

He told me that he couldn't be in another relationship... just like me.  I hope he wouldn't just say that to appease me (because I would quite, quite QUITE honestly MUCH rather hear that he could do it and it be the truth than him lie to me and say he couldn't). 

So... we're basically... exaclty the same as we were before.  The only thing that's changed is me (and maybe him, I'unno, that's for him to announce).  I've learned a lot, I've discovered what great friends I have, and I've learned that it's really not that hard to just resist eating.

Oh, and I've learned that... I guess I really am stronger than I thought.  I thought that I would be completely destroyed and go into some kind of depression because of this thing, but the worst that happened was I cried for a couple minutes (quite literally, which is ironic because after Jesse read my LJ, he said he cried himself to sleep or something like that because he thought I'd never talk to him again... which it's not like he's some sissy crybaby girly man, either, this crying thing is newer for him than it is for me), I stopped eating, and I went emo for a couple days (but I think that was just stickin' it to the man, y'know?)

And, my attitude about life has changed a lot.  I think I'm a tad more cynical (my friend just got a boyfriend who lives back in the states, he's about to graduate and she's a sophomore, and I was all, "Long distance relationships don't work!" and she slapped me...), which I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not...

Aaaaand I'm more realistic, and I DEFINETLY am not looking towards the future anymore.  I'm all, okay, I'll do well in school, and then we'll go from there.  Y'know, take my tests, maybe apply for a few good colleges (all over the place, not just in one state or country), and get all my financial aid stuff in order.  Other than that, I'm not gonna dwell on the future anymore.

Hmmm...

So, moving on to the next session of my journal:

STUFF I WROTE ON MY HAND TODAY THAT I DON'T WANNA FORGET AND I THINK TYPING THEM WILL HELP *deepbreath*

1.  I was sitting in math class today, and Mr. Tingey was giving us a lesson on the board.  He's started this new thing where he gives our class a quiz at the end of the period on what he went over.  Right after he finished doing the problem we ended up taking the quiz on, he said, "The last step is the most crucial to your quiz," and on the board he wrote "Put this on your quiz: ☺[a smiley face]"  Naturally, I, being the amazing student I am finished copying down the problem on the quiz from my notes (that's all we had to do... copy the problem he'd just erased from the board off our notes, plus the smiley face) and put the smiley face on top of my page.  However, when he picked up the quiz of a girl sitting across the room from me, he laughed and said, "That's ironic."  When we asked him what was ironic he said, "She wrote 'I didn't read the directions' and put a little frowny face on the top of her page."

2.  I was sitting in U.S. History today, and there was this incessant mosquito ring going off for almost a quarter of the class period.  I'm sitting there and it's driving me INSANE, so as I'm looking around trying to figure out who it was, I saw it was this guy named Mason, and figured it was his cell phone ringer so I threw my pencil across the room at him told him to turn the d*** cell phone off because it was driving me insane.

3.  Also in History, only this was a couple days ago, I was sitting in my seat reading a book, minding my own business, and someone walked past my desk and this wind blew by me as they went by, and.... IT SMELLED LIKE JESSE!  And at that point in time, I was still kinda confused and pissed off, so the entire class period I smelled him.  Good thing I'd eaten an orange for lunch... I ended up pressing my hands to my face the whole period until I couldn't smell anything but orange even after I took my hands off.  Funny thing is, a while back Jesse told me that he was sitting at his computer desk and he smelled me when his mom walked by.  Apparently it was her shampoo.  I wonder what this guy had on him that smelled like Jesse.  I think it was either Jeremy (the guy who said, "I saw your mom yesterday" today during class [completely unrelated story], and I was all... "Dude, you're, liek, the fourth person to say that this week, pray tell, how do you know who my mom is, along with everyone else I know?" and he said, "She works at the dental clinic, and you look like her," and I about jumped out of my seat and slapped him... naw, I kid... but it did make me unhappy.  I hate it when people tell me I look like my mom).

My final question: What the heck am I supposed to tell people when they ask me who Jesse is or why I wear a bracelet that says "4+3=7"?  "Uuuuhhhhh... he's my... uh... ex-boyfriend... 2.0... he lives 83 miles away... semi-not-really-kinda-sorta long distance relationship-ish-thing"

???

     I know this seems funny so early, but I think I've already learned so much about myself (and life *insertspipeinmouth*) from the events that have taken place over the past few days.

     Number one: I don't know if I've really learned anything or not, but Jesse has succeeded in making me think the way he does.  I'm not sure if it's permanent or even if it's healthy, but I haven't even considered anything about the future for the past few days.  That's incredibly unusual for me.  I normally daydream about it, scheme about it, hope towards it, and everything I do seems to be aimed towards improving or changing my future, even before Jesse came around.  It's always been all about what's GOING to be and not what IS. 
     I guess maybe it's just the initial reaction, but I think it's a lot better for me to just live in the here and now.  It's more satisfying than the future, because it's HERE and I can experience it NOW and not just wait and plan.

     Number two:  I'm losing weight... I dunno if that's good or bad... but I'm not starving myself, I just can't eat as much as I used to be able to, and I've been eating nothing but fruit except for a roll this morning.... and macaroni & cheese that tore up my stomach the day before yesterday...

     Number three:  My iPod froze up last night, and I FLIPPED OUT.  I was all, "Dude, why does everything always have to happen at once?"

     Other than that, life has been going pretty well.  I can't sleep, but that's just because of the conundrum I've engaged myself in.  Just to remind you of this conundrum, it's what to do now regarding this Jesse situation.  I want to continue talking to him... but... for some reason, my vision of him has completely changed.  I really realized this last night laying in bed around 0:00, waiting for my iPod to die so I could turn it back on, and I sat there for a second and remembered our relationship before, and then I looked at the way I feel now.
     I don't like this new feeling... it's distrust... disrespect... and now I feel like I'm above him.  Why?  Maybe it's for the same reason Katryna said that he bailed out right as the shit hit the fan (that phrase right there made me laugh... over and over every time I remembered it... not sure why).  I have a hard time believing now that he ever felt the same way I feel about him.
     The way I felt about him was undying love... love that knows no distance... and I suppose I had extreme tunnel vision.  I saw other good looking guys, and I talked to other guys, and I even flirted with them occasionally, but I never even thought once about it, much less twice, because... I had Jesse, and no other guy could ever hope to measure up to him.  The only reason I was with him in the first place was because he was perfect, and I probably wouldn't have had another boyfriend if not for him.
     Maybe this just gives me the advantage and he's not strong enough for this type of thing.  He says that there's no point in staying together but... for some reason I just can't bring myself to believe that.
     So naturally, my first reaction is, dude... this is stupid, I know it's stupid... so he must not feel the way I thought he did.  He must not be the person I thought he was.

If this is the case, he's not even worth typing this journal.  If I'm wrong... I'm not even sure what to say... but hopefully he'll be the same as me in the sense that he won't be able to be with anyone else, especially while he's still in contact with me.  Not because of faithfulness, but just because... no one else could even begin to cut it.

DUDE, the roads are RED and all after school activities are cancelled!

...

Crap... does that mean we won't have school tomorrow?  I hope not... I don't need any more time to wallow in my self pity... but I do need to finish that Zank assignment...

And aside from all the woe-is-me-life-sucks-I-don't-wanna-talktohimifhehasanotherrelationship stuff, HE HAS MY MUSIC!  So at any rate, I HAVE to keep talking to him at LEAST on messenger until I can get it all back!  And who knows, by the end of that ordeal I could be worse off, better, or exactly the same.

If worse comes to worse, I'll mail him blank CDs and a list of the songs I need.  But he would have to make DATA CDs, not burn audio ones, because if he burnt audio ones, I would have to go through every damn song and name each one, which I did with the "50 Techno Electro Tunes" CD, and it took me FOR-EEEEEHHHH-VER.

*stillshivering*